There Was an Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe – Or Did She?!

This one is dedicated to my fabulous soul-twin “Little L”…

“In a West End town in a dead-end world… East-End boys and West-End girls…” ~ Pet Shop Boys.

I am a true West-End girl. My mate N is an ‘East Ender’. And conceptually, the world our generation lives in, as well as the conflicts we go through, seem sometimes very much like a dead-end world.

I met N online. It has been years since I joined an online dating site and after only 24 hours on one of the new, more popular sites I was reminded why I was willing to give up on the ‘e-Chick of the Year’ award. However, amongst the sexually frustrated, the terribly bizarre and the plain assholes, there was N. We started off on the wrong foot, but soon enough got on the same wavelength and became good mates.

Oddly and perhaps luckily (but either way definitely establishing a pattern here) I have managed to meet 3 really great guys online. All with which I have developed good friendships that never took the romantic route despite much potential in the air (philosophy/psychology on that one in another post).

Anyway, it was a sunny day in London town and N & I decided to celebrate the rare event by having lunch in the West End. N ordered a juicy fat oozing burger (Yum!) and I ordered salad.

Knowing I am no stranger to culinary delights, N was quite surprised at my sad lunch choice and pulled a funny face. “What’s up with you today Bex?!” he asked.

“Nothing” I said, “Just having a fat day!”

N started laughing at me. 

“WHAT?!” I asked, kind of annoyed, starving and jealous of his burger, which by that point seemed to be looking directly at me, screaming: “eat me, E-A-T MEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!”.

“You have no idea just how gorgeous you are, do ya?!” He said.

‘OK’ I thought to myself, keep talking buster, you just might schmooze your way outta this one if you’re lucky!

He went on; “You are one of the most amazing women I have ever met”.

Eh?! OK, gotta give it to him, the guy has read the latest edition of “How to Flatter Your Way Out of Male inappropriateness”. He certainly IS trying. But I must admit I was a bit confused, I mean – I don’t intend to sound pretentious, but yeah, as a girl – I sure can work it. However, if that’s what he really thinks about me…

I couldn’t help myself and blurted out; “Well if I really am THAT brilliant how come you never tried to hook up with me?!”

“Its pretty simple” N said quite matter of factly.

Oh yeah?! simple huh?! I was back to being annoyed again and just about ready to stuff the talking burger through his face.

“I simply don’t want to go out with a girl who I have to worry about constantly. Worry that other men would flirt with and try to make a move on just cos she’s wonderful. I like going for the safe. You are too much of a risk babes. Being sexy will work against ya, you know”.

I Suddenly found myself riding  Tony & Doug’s Time Tunnel to a few years back when I was out with B, a guy I’d been dating for a few months. A group of us were at a gig and I was chatting away with a friend of a friend, a nice guy whom I’d just met. when suddenly, B pulled me up close to him (very atypically might I add) put his arm very obviously and tightly around my waist and joined the conversation. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but I guess it did linger in the back of my mind. It wasnt till lunch with N and his very straight forward comment, that I realised I had been peed on.

Yes, you heard me right, I had been peed on, back at that gig a few years back, I had simply been peed on! I had been marked as territory, I was B’s, The primal mental penis has left the building and was now busy peeing on this fucking Monopoly house! B was simply scared that another guy would get the “Out Of Jail Free Card” and squat in his very own master-bedroom.

The rest of the afternoon with N was spent discussing boy stuff (gadgets, DIY, chicks passing by). I was kind of offended by his earlier comment and quite frankly could not wait to go back home & get into bed with a juicy take-out burger lying by my side.

Months later and I still dont really get this… my mates think I am sexy, funny and smart, yet they are too scared to seriously ”pee on me”! I mean, not that I am a fan of golden showers but this is ridiculous.

All my gorgeous and single friends seem to suffer from urine-inducing-malfunction… we are good-looking, smart, funny, have great careers, we are YOUR dream (yes boys, I am talking to you!) and yet, you choose to settle for safe, unthreatening and *yawn…* (long pause whilst author takes 2 hour nap due to acute boredom).

Why should Women’s good looks and charms work against them?! we love shoes, but god knows we don’t want to be the old Women who end up living in them… alone…

Men, sorry to break it to you, there are no insurance policies when it comes to dating or relationships – and believe it or not, I have seen even the biggest fugly “safe” bitches riding off into the sunset, away from their “safe mode” men, and into the arms of the next Eastwood.

So get off those lazy yet unfortunately not so rare ’B’ Sides of yours and enjoy us, click “like” on us, dare with us, let us be your juicy burger and not some safe boring salad.

And to my gorgeous lady friends (especially to you my fabulous ‘Little L’), those who are also confused by the same double standards set by men who want it safe but dream of it all… I have one thing to say to you ladies: you all hold your own Cinderella Crystal Shoe (which I seriously hope you don’t end up living in) and that, dear fabulous women, is a fact!

Dont beat yourself up over a guy who is so scared of taking a ’risk’ – so much so that his palms go all sweaty… too sweaty to be able to really hold on to any crystal shoe without it slipping away from his hands…

Now all of you… without further ado, go out there and bite that burger!

Bon Appetit!